the ride, it ain't free

Again, it was a Friday so cocktailed, the rest of my weekend was a mess. I have/had the best intentions. The promises to myself I had made were broken, I made the best effort to keep my shit together, and, of course, it was broken. One big hot tranny mess.

This crazy Island is not for me. It's not mine, and I sometimes wonder if it ever was. Girls like me don't stay out here, girls like me don't like the boys out here, and girls like me get shitfaced to hide the disdain for this place, and the places I waste my time in. That's why girls like me don't belong here. I like to just think of myself as a hurricane, passing through, leaving carnage in my wake. However, am I leaving the town a wreck, or leaving myself a wreck?

Having been in 2 serious, committed, live-in relationships for the past 4 years, dating is strange to me, talking to guys is strange, and getting picked up in bars (or attempts at such) are even more strange. I found myself on Friday rolling my eyes, but accepting bought drinks and the conversations that came with them. Guys that aren't from here seem to think they are god's gift to women, no matter how socially awkward, neurotic or uh, busted they are. They try to impress you with their wealth, their status, their share in a Dune Road house with their fraternity brother. After several of these conversations, where I wasn't impressed, awestruck, or bit by cupid, I was d-o-n-e with these stupid boys. Of course, I wasn't done with their free drinks, so I started to have fun with it. My first thing was to start telling these guys blatent lies, beginning with my name. Next, it was what I do for a living - I was everything from a marine biologist to a jewelry designer. Then, it was where I lived - anywhere but here. But, and to quote Avail - here is where i've gotta be.

As always, lyrics and songs play a huge part in my life. I'm an ex-music industry drone. From day one I showed up here, Bruce Springsteen's "Thunder Road" played in constant repeat in my head. I believe it all stems from possibly one of the greatest lines from a song ever - "it's a town full of losers/and i'm pulling out of here to win". Yeah, thats nice. It is a town full of losers. But wait, i'm here. I go to the deli, I go to the bars, I get my mail here - I am a loser. I am the townie loser drunk I never wanted to be. Oh shit!

Well, lets find another lyric. Ah, here's one: "waste your summer prayin' in vain/for a savior to rise from these streets". Lord, if that's not true, then what else is? I'm not much of the praying type. Hell, i'd love a savior to rise from these streets, pick me up in his chevrolet chariot, and get me the hell out of here. And, perhaps secretly, i'm hoping and waiting for that. And, perhaps even more so, I secretly hoped that local townie boy would be that. It would just finally be a happy ending to the shit that'd been my life for the past years. I'm sure you've seen it in a movie at leat 5 times - you travel all over the place and you come to your hometown, and finally put your roots down. Hell, I never said I had good judgement. I just said a happy ending would be nice.

Oh, Bruce! Why you gotta do this to me, son? Yet another lyric: "i know you're lonely/for words that i ain't spoken/but tonight we'll be free/all the promises will be broken" - and yes, yes, yes. The promises were broken. The promises to myself, that I wouldn't care about someone I shouldnt even know in the first place, the promises of "no shots", the promises of going home early, the promises about not letting this stupid guy i don't even like get the best of me. Agh! Needless to say, every single promise was broken, and I got the embarassing ride home at 7AM to prove so.

Now i'm beating myself up, and I shouldn't. I'm not all that bad, I'm just letting this town win. And hell naw, not going to happen. Not for me. Not here. Not now. "You ain't a beauty/but hey, you're alright". Thanks, Bruce. I know you've got my back. I know you've got my number. I know Long Island isn't the Jersey Shore, but shit, it's close enough, right? So, Bruce, when you pull up to get me, i'll be there. Because, really, it IS a town full of losers, and i'm TOTALLY pullin' out of here to win.

Download: Bruce Springsteen - Thunder Road