goddamn, it was nice

Part of picking up the pieces and moving on from some not-so-cool times back down South, for me, was honestly moving on and making peace with (now) ghosts of the past. For me, I fell into something (someone) when I wasn't looking to, and was just getting content to being alone. Hell, it wasn't alone - it was me, and staying focused on my job and friends was all I needed.

Well, over the course of some months and the holidays, I felt the "lone wolf" strength I had slowly slipping away. I was scared, yeah, but what in life isn't scary? Regardless, I fell harder than I realized, and harder than I had expected to. Ever. Partly, I think it was old insecurities and ghosts that dredged up a neediness I hadn't had to deal with yet.

I just wasn't ready.

Last night, after making a quick exit after a much-needed conversation, I walked down Havemeyer, trembling and trying to not be the girl crying walking down the street. Until a darling (bless his heart) bum attempted to bum a cigarette from me. I was trembling, and just trying to get home before I lost my shit. Well, in my fluster, I must have made him feel very angry when I ignored him, and he began to call me a slut, a whore, a blonde witch, and the winner? A miserable, unlovable bitch.

Of course, that's what every girl wants to hear when she's on the brink of tears, and certainly feeling miserable and unloved. Of course, me being generally backwards with things most of the time, screamed back and scared the fuck out of the bum.

And you know what? It was okay. I didn't lose it when I got home, I didn't lose it when I, still trembling, bought some tallboys from the pervert at the bodega, and as sad as I am still today, i'm alright. I'll be okay.

So, thanks, New York. Thanks for being there. Thanks for the bums. No matter how miserable and unlovable I may be, I know there's been times that I have been considered lovable, and after a little bit of this mopey just got dumped girl shit, i'll be back. And then, Mr. Bum = you watch yourself, motherfucker. Don't let these tight pants fool you, i'm all heart.